FileTitle: List2122.html
Category: Humor
Type: List
Description: Priest on the Sauce - Classic
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After
the mass, he asked the monsignor how to get past this bad nerve stuff.  The
monsignor said " when I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put
a large glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous,
I just
take a little sip of the vodka and it really calms me down."

The next Sunday, the new priest decided to take the monsignor's advice.  At
the very beginning of the sermon, he got really nervous and took a few healthy
drinks from the vodka glass; he then proceeded to talk most effectively and he
thoroughly enjoyed himself.

Delighted at his new-found oratorical prowess, the young priest returned some
time after the service to his office.  Tacked to his office door, he found
the following note from the monsignor:

1.Sip the vodka, don't gulp it.
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. here are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.Jesus was consecrated not constipated.
5.Jacob wagered the donkey; he did not "bet his ass"
6.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7.The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are not referred to as Daddy, Junior,
and Spook.
8.David slew Goliath; he did not "kick the shit out of him."
9.When David was his by a rock and knocked off his donkey, avoid saying that
           "he was stoned off his ass."
10.  We do not refer to the cross as "One Big T."
11.  When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, He said, "Take this and
           eat it, for it is my body." He did NOT say "Eat Me."
12.The Virgin Mary is NOT referred to as "Mary with the Cherry."
13. Mary and Martha are the two sisters of Lazarus and not  "J. C.'s bimbos"
14.Finally, next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at  St.
Peter's, not
           a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.