FileTitle: Prose228.html
Category: Humor
Type: Prose
Description: Stress, Satire

                           **HOW TO STAY STRESSED**
 
 YOU ALL WANT TO STAY STRESSED!!!!!!
 
      * STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT: Anyone as stressed as you must be
        working very hard and, therefore, is probably doing something very
        crucial.
 
      * IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY:
        Anyone as busy as you are certainly can't be expected to form
        emotional attachments to anyone. And let's face it, you're not
        much fun to be around anyway.
 
      * IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES: Obviously, you are too
        stressed to be given any more work. This gets you off the hook for
        all the mundane chores; let someone else take care of them.
 
      * IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS: Why risk being successful, when by
        simply being stressed you can avoid all of that? Stress can keep
        your performance level low enough that success won't ever be a
        threat.
 
      * IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH: Stress might be considered a cheap
        thrill, and you can give yourself a 'hit' any time you choose.
        But, be careful. You might get addicted to your own adrenaline.
 
      * STRESS ALSO HELPS YOU KEEP YOUR AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE:
        The authoritarian style of 'just do what I say!' is generally
        permissible under crisis conditions. If you maintain a permanently
        stressed crisis atmosphere, you can justify an authoritarian style
        all of the time.

AND here's HOW to stay stressed:

      * NEVER EXERCISE: Exercise wastes a lot of the time that
        could be spent worrying.

      * EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT: Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your
        system, a balanced diet isn't likely to either.
 
      * GAIN WEIGHT: Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your
        recommended weight.
 
      * TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS: The old standards of caffeine,
        nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.
 
      * AVOID 'WOO-WOO' PRACTICES: Ignore the evidence suggesting that
        meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to
        reduce stress. The Protestant work ethic is good for everyone,
        Protestant or not.
 
      * GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM: Let the few friends who are
        willing to tolerate you know that you concern yourself with
        friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a
        few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.
 
      * PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM: Anyone who criticizes any aspect of
        your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal
        attack. Don't take the time to listen, be offended, then return
        the attack!
 
      * THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR: Staying stressed is no laughing
        matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.
 
      * MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE-BE MACHO: Never ask for any help, and if
        you want it done right, do it yourself!
 
      * BECOME A WORKAHOLIC: Put work before everything else, and be sure
        to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself
        that vacations are for sissies.
 
      * DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS: Schedule more activities
        every day than you can possibly get done, then worry about it all
        whenever you get a chance.
 
      * PROCRASTINATE: Putting things off to the last second always
        produces a marvelous amount of stress.
 
      * WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL: Worry about the stock
        market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age. You know, all the
        big issues.
 
      * BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH 
        STANDARDS: and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed,
        discouraged, and or inadequate when you don't meet them.