FileTitle: Prose552.html
Category: Humor
Type: Prose
Description: Emo Phillips Routine
 I went to school, ya know.  I went to grammar school and once we
were taking a test and I was copying this other kid's paper, and I guess the
teacher heard my xerox machine.  She said, "Emo, am I stupid or were you
cheating," and I said, "Ah, yes and no."  She sends me to the principals office
and I get there and sit down and he looks at me and says, "Emo,  Emo, Emo."
I said, "I'm the one in the middle, you drunken slob." He said, "Emo, how would
you like to repeat the fifth grade?"  I said, "I  don't know if I could do it
exactly, but I could try."  He said, "I could expel  you!" I said, "You'll have
to catch and eat me first, ya wierdo."  He  said, "Emo, you'll have to see the
school psychologist."  And I said, "But why do I have to see the school
psychologist?"  So he  showed me the petition.  So I went to the psychologist
and he says, "Emo, what does this inkblot look like to you?"  I said, "Well,
it's  kind of embarassing."  He said, "Emo, everyone sees something silly.
Don't be embarassed.  Tell me, what  does this inkblot look like to you?"  I
said, "Well, uh, to me, um, it  looks like, uh, standard pattern  number 3 in
the Rorshach series to test obsesive compulsiveness."  And he got kind of
depressed, so I said, "OK, it's a butterfly." And he cheered up.  "And what
does this inkblot look like?"  I said it looks  like a horrible, ugly blob of
pure evil, that sucks the souls of men  into a vortex of sin and degredation."
He said, "No, uh the inkblots over there, that's a photo of my wife you're
looking at."  "oh, was I  far off?"  He said, "No, that's the sad part."  And
he gave me a  chocolate easter bunny and I ate the bunny, then I thought, hey,
this  isn't easter.  "Is this a test?"  And he said, "Yes."  "And what
does it mean?"  He said, "Had you eaten the ears first you would have been
normal.  Had you eaten the feet first you would have had an inferiority
complex.  Had you eaten the tail first you would have had latent  homosexual
tendencies and had you eaten the breasts first you would have  had a latent
oedipal complex."  "Well...go on, what does it mean when you bite out the eyes
and scream 'stop staring at me?'"  He said, "It  means you have a tendency
towards self destruction."  I said, "Well, what do you recommend?" He said,
                        "Go for it."