FileTitle: Prose1910.html
Category: Humor
Type: Prose
Description: College Entrance Letter - British version
Subject: A Pronouncement to the International Humor Community

                                        6/17/97

My fellow citizens of HUMOR, I come before you today to bring you word of an
outrage committed upon the international humor community!

Once upon a time the English were content to merely plunder the the standard
commodities of their colonies.  Now, it seems, they also plunder intellectual
property!

Humor aficionados will recognize _most_ of the following essay as the work
of a young American (as in North American, Gringo, Yankee, ETC.) who was
applying for college --not university.  I do not recall the fellow's name, but
he was interviewed on National Public Radio here in the US at the time that he
wrote the essay.  He later went to a US college.

Well, the bloody Limeys 'ave gotten their hands on this wonderful piece and
appropriated it to the canon of Brit Lit.  Note the references to what them
Brits call "football," the non-US gameshow and that "Breville Toaster."

I say enuff is enuff!   Let us posthumously name P.G.Wodehouse an US citizen in
retaliation!

DON'T TREAD ON ME!!!!!

***********************************************************


Subject: University Entrance Essay

This is an actual essay written by a university applicant. The author, Graham
Gallagher, now attends Southampton University {SIC, SIC, SIC}.


3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR UNIVERSITY TO GET TO KNOW
YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:

ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE
REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been
known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient
in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I
write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread
water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles
up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in
twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in
Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a
small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play
bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester United, I am the subject of
numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my
garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on
Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque. Last summer I toured Eastern
Europe with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I run the 100m in 9.65
secs. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once
read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had
time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location
of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert
operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a
chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to
me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends,
to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered
the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four
course meals using only some vegetables and a Breville Toaster. I breed
prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions
in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I
have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to University.